you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
