chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
