My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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