It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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