Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
