how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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