We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
