My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
