We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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