I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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