just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Who died my cat blue again?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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