fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
