The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Boobs speak an international language.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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