Your face is a jimmy john
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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