There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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