Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
