he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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