and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
