I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
