it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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