More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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