So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
