one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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