my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
