well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
