What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
