I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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