The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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