Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
