ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
