Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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