I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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