Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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