Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
