i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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