I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
