dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
