Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's shark week go big or go home
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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