why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
