Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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