1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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