you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
