I want to have your abortion
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
