He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
