I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How does it feel to date your dad?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
