i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
