I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
3pm strippers are depressing
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
