I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
