you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
