i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
