This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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