Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
