I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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