hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
