she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
