I got chris browned last night
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
