god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
