I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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