the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
