meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
