Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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