Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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