We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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