4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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