Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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