I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
