You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
