i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
